Listen I Can't Make, Make A Sound or Feel...

I have two other blog pages. One is another blogspot page. I don't know how to log onto it anymore. The other is my livejournal page. I've had that for many years now, but there are too many people who know of it. This page is mine alone. And I like that. I will probably tell Madeline about it eventually. And Grace. Maybe Zeke. Nobody else, though. For now, though, it's just me and me.

I'm so tired. It's hard for me to convey what life feels like right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm happier than I've been in years, but it cost me a lot to get here. I don't think any of my friends completely understand what that means. Some have a better idea than others, but you have to walk through this kind of fire to truly speak of it, and I regret to say that I can speak of it with the best of 'em. I'm actually glad my friends don't know the fullness of this hurt. I know that I have friends who have been through things to which I cannot relate, and I'm thankful for that. My job was to be there to lend a listening ear or a shoulder on which to cry. They've all done it for me. And I hope I've been man enough to help them.

I've got this pain inside of me. I can't pinpoint it exactly. It's an old pain. A dead pain, still lingering. Like a haunting. Something stalking about the halls of my mind that, by all means, shouldn't be there. I think I know what the source is. Maybe. It's not actually pain. It's unresolved issues.

I like things wrapped up in neat packages. It's how I am. So very "Type A". When things lose their symmetry, I get dark. And right now, I've got a whole mess of unresolved, loose ties in my life. I want to fix these things, but it's not up to me. Why does it seem that for the healing process to be finished, all offending parties must act? It's like that in psychology. In relationships. In politics. In a lot of things.

Lizzy's been pleasant to me. It's kind of disgusting how forced it is for her to act civil. But I'll take what I can get. No need to repeat last Summer and Fall only to be reminded that sometimes fake pleasantries are better than veritable hatred. Ah, whatever. I don't want to think about her. On one had, she is my son's mother, and I will always reserve a special place in my heart for her in that regard. But as a human being, she is a failure.

Wasn't it only a couple months ago that she wrote up to a judge that I was having my mom raise Skylarr? Wasn't it around that same time that she was cussing me out and hanging up on me whenever I tried to talk to her about Skylarr? Isn't this the same woman who told me that it was okay for her to fall in love with another man while we were still married, but that I was a dick for getting a girlfriend months and months later?

Now, things are wrapping up with her. The divorce is almost final. I know that Madeline will sigh when that is over. Poor Madeline. I feel sorry for her sometimes that she didn't know me when I was full of hope and when I was sharper with my intellect and not so run-down. She's really getting jipped being with me. Here is this amazing, talented, sexy, smart young girl, and instead of getting with someone her own age, some hot girl or guy, she's with me. She loves me so much, and I can feel it without question. She doesn't even have to tell me. With Lizzy, I needed her to tell me, because I never knew from day to day if she loved me or not.

I hope Madeline feels loved. I hope she knows that my past and our future together are two different things. I feel stronger now than ever. I'm a better man, a better father, and I want to be a better lover. For her.

I'm sleepy. Rant over.