My Boy

You are everything I ever wanted,
beautiful, like the Starry Night poster above your bed.
Your dark eyes invite me to smile with you,
and your tears kill me just a little each time.

You are the best boy, the one I love.
I told you when I held you that first time,
"I am going to take care of you".
And I will. So help me, God. I will.

While the the winds lashed the trees that day,
I stood on the balcony holding you in my arms.
I said, "I will endure any pain on earth
so that you will be happy with me". And I meant it.

I am a man of my word, my little one. That I promise.
I was faithful to a woman who hated my face,
I am faithful to a beauty who adores me wholly,
and I will always be faithful to you to my dying day.

We'll take our walks, you and I, and we'll sing.
We'll play our card games, and have our dance parties.
We'll say good bye every other Sunday, and hello every Wednesday.
We'll read, laugh, run, and learn together always. My lovely boy.

Divorce In Jesus' Name

Officially, Liz and I split in the late Spring of 2009. Unofficially--and I word it that way, because it doesn't count, right?--she was done with our relationship in September of 2007. Except I didn't know. She didn't bother to tell me. I suppose I could feel it, but it's hard to distinguish the different shades of darkness that crept in from those that were already there.

When I first talked about the impending separation with a few friends, having already been through a tough sixth wedding anniversary consisting of finding out my wife was cheating on me for the past few months, I could tell my friends didn't understand. I would have to play this game of Q&A as if their opinions and beliefs could actually change something that my own hadn't been able to.

Q: Do you think God wants you to get a divorce, Dustin? Is all this okay with Him?
A: I don't know what He thinks, but I don't want a divorce, if that counts for anything. None of this was my call. It was a big surprise to me.

Q: Did you know that God hates divorce?
A: That can't be true of all cases, because that would be ignoring the reality that some relationships are abusive and traumatic, and I'm sure God will allow the abused some reprieve in the form of divorce. That aside, I'm not a fan of divorce, either.

Q: What are you doing as a man of God to get your wife back?
A: I've been trying to talk to her for weeks. She doesn't want to be married anymore. She says that she will NOT go to counseling, no matter how much I ask. She says she doesn't want to see me, unless I'm dropping our son off. She says that she has never loved me. So, I guess I'm doing all I can, but being met with nothing.

Q: So, you're giving up that easily? It's the husband's job to keep his wife in the fold, you know. Didn't you know that?
A: Fuck you. You don't understand shit. None of this is easy. I don't want any of this, but she is cashing in her half of the relationship, because it wasn't just MY relationship, it was hers, too. She's done. She has a boyfriend. She's moved out. She will file a restraining order if I try to talk to her about anything other than Skylarr. Do I need THAT on my record when divorce proceedings are under way? Sure fucking don't. I haven't given up. I just know when to allow her to go her own way.

It was so much worse than this, too. I would get this conservative bullshit in the form of: "God doesn't believe in divorce. You're disappointing Him."

Thanks. I needed that.

I spoke with a friend's grandmother, orthodox woman, very conservative. She doesn't know I'm divorced, but she said something like, "All these Christians are getting divorced these days. Don't they know that they are making big mistakes? God will never honor these people."

I said, "What if one of the people doesn't want the divorce, and they try EVERYTHING they can to keep it from happening? Will God honor them?"

"No," she said. "If they'd done everything in their powers, God would have seen to it that the relationship did not fall apart. God would have made sure that they didn't become some statistic."

"But don't you think God understands that not everything is perfect? Don't you think He knows that some people will try harder than others? We're fools to think we know His ways, so can't a divorce lead someone to a better life by giving them understanding?"

"You sound like you're defending divorce."

Yeah... I am.

If you're married, and you're having problems, and you work through them... good for you. My relationship was that way once. We were together eight years. Can you beat that? If you can, great. I want you to. But can you also understand that your marriage is nothing special? It's a struggle. It's a war. It's so wonderful. It can end so quickly without allowing you chance for a rebuttal. What then? Is it God's will? Are you "out of favor with Him" now? Or were you just a victim the whole time? Or do you move on?

I'm a Christian divorcee, and I did all I could to prevent that. And now, I believe God has blessed me with insight, I've never had before into the nature of love. I believe he's blessed me with my dream girl, the one I wished Liz had always been. I believe that God is honoring me for not giving up until the end. I believe that the only person who can offer me commentary on this subject is the person who has gone through it with me. His name is Jesus. Are you Him?

Boogeymen and Vodka

I get too restless at three AM,
so I take a walk.
Vodka in hand,
I stroll through the black night,
and I'm scared.
I realize I always am fearful
of some horror or another
watching,
waiting,
hungry,
dead,
and real.

A man,
silhouetted in the yellow lamplight,
a shadow.
He should not be out so late
just standing there
in the dark.
I stop,
and his demonic posture
speaks volumes to me
of terror and devilish cravings
on this empty street.

His back is to me,
and I know he sees me
somehow,
with some otherworldly sense,
Satanic and awful.
When he turns,
his thin body moves,
closing the distance
between us.
It is two steps
before he says to himself,
"I'm so fucking drunk."
And pukes his guts out.
I guess we were the only
monsters
out that night.

Pseudo-politics

Okay, fuck it... I'm too tired for this shit.
This game,
this argument,
don't you fucking know
it's scripted,
planned,
it's already written.
Don't worry, though,
you're the one exception
to the rule.

Pros and cons,
comments and responses,
endorsements and rebuttals.
She's got the right to choose
to murder a fucking baby.
He can beat a homo
to death
in the name of Christ.
She's right.
He's right.
Thank God
nobody important
actually got hurt.

Give me literature to back your point,
and I'll read it.
I probably already have,
so make it fucking good.
Page after page...
your spin,
your blind spots,
your bullshit,
so what you're saying is:
Fuck the gays,
the unborn kids,
the red,
and the blue.

I'll drink my Jack, thanks,
and throw my ballet
in the trash.
Yes, I've heard:
I'm an idiot,
a fool,
an anarchist
for not investing in your
precious corruption.
And that's the flip-side:
It's not mine,
it's yours.
Keep it.